Why?
As I am writing this, I just can’t stop feeling extremely angry and upset. I don’t know if I want to cry, but the feeling is terrible. Besides slogging in the lab everyday, and being stressed by the impending thesis deadline, I got agitated during the only time I get to rest.
Despite spelling it out that I do not wish to talk about certain things, the person talking to me did not seem to understand whatever language I was using. I know exactly what I should do for my project, but I kept being taught what to do and asked if I had done this, that etc, like in a checklist. I know very clearly that at this point of time, what I need is not being reminded of my agony, but just an understanding friend to listen, and not keep provoking me with all the wrong things - nagging and teaching me what to do, when I already know what I should be doing. Apparently my dear friend still has not improved one bit in situation awareness (in this case, worse, bcos I had actually spelt out the situation more clearly than ever). Perhaps I can only attribute it to language barrier?
I always ask myself what wrong I have done in my previous life to have to go through this. I don’t understand, and never will. Why must my patience and tolerance be taken for granted? Must I jump off a building before somebody wakes up and realize that one should just limit some things, and stop when I say stop? When can people learn to listen to feedback and take them seriously? I feel as if I am talking to a wall which practises selective listening, pre-concepts my message even before I finish my sentence, interpretes my words in a way I never imagine could be possible, gets all my messages wrong, and jumps to wrong conclusions.
I have had enough, so I shall shut myself out from these "walls" and for the time being, confine my interactions to people who understand my language = everybody on earth except this "wall". Seriously, I would rather be reincarnated as a cockroach than to have a life full of these hair-pulling experiences. It is so bad that I believe the anger I experienced could generate enough energy for me to pull out all the grass on earth!
Sigh, sorry again for the grumpy blog, but I just had to let it out. Hope tomorrow is a better day. For now, I’m gonna drown myself in chocolate, I really hope there is such a thing as "death by chocolate", to free myself from this misery.
