Thoughts at 0020
Second blog for the day. I just want to note down my thoughts for fear that I may not convey them as clearly the next day. I saw an advertisement for post of research assistant in stem cell culture. "Isn’t that my field of interest?" I thought to myself.
To be honest, I had been rather put off by the phenomenon of undergraduates sending hundreds of resumes to potential employers even before they are halfway through their final year projects. I do not believe that they can be interested in so many different jobs, at least not the majority of them. So, it can only be an act of ‘kiasuism’, which is meaningless. And in the field of research, where no passion means you can forget about anything else, it is even more meaningless to blindly apply for a hundred positions just for the sake of raising the probability of securing a job.
When I saw the advertisement, I had mixed feelings. A part of me felt tempted to try out the job, because I like stem cell culture research. I’ve dreamt of being part of a research team in contribution to making possibilities in saving lives, which was the reason for my first job. However, it was also because of my first job that I saw the reality of this task to help the human race. What we hope to do is a nice painted picture, but when it comes to the real thing, we may not be as prepared as we would hope to be. If you are not prepared to devote your time to research, you may become miserable because you have no time for yourself. Up to the point where you feel that you really deserve a rest, you sometimes uncontrollably while away a bit more time enjoying, and feel terrible after that. It is possible to find a balance, but extremely challenging, especially if your job is clinical research, because the samples you’re handling might be those of living patients, and you might just feel that guilt as you’re watching TV, when you should have been reading journals in the night at home. You might have very little or no time for yourself and other things which you want to do, let alone your family. I believe even the most senior scientists get tormented by this dilemma to find a balance between their calling to help save others’ lives, and time for their own lives. There is that much more to what people see or perceive of the phrase "devoting one’s life to research".
After looking at the scope of research for this particular lab, I am again reminded of these factors, even though this is not direct clinical research. But it still boils down to the same principle - whether I want to lead the kind of life which requires most of my time for science alone. It is an all-or-none kinda thing. I feel that people who are by nature more curious about science are more suitable for this job, because although they still feel miserable about missing holidays and working mentally 24/7, their curiosity can still partially compensate for it and keeps them going. For a not-as-curious person like me, the efficiency would be lower. I hate to not give my best, or worse, jeopardize the chances of alleviating others’ sufferings when there could have been a better candidate to do the research, and I also wish to have more time for myself. There is always a price to pay for things you wish to achieve, and I guess I am not prepared to pay the price yet.
For now, I can either look at other non-clinical fields, or explore areas where I can best apply what I have learnt. I do feel sad that a dream I had been having for years turned out to be something quite different, or even impossible, but that is reality. I believe my decision to give all-or-none would be beneficial to mankind, haha … so no regrets!! I must say that this dream of mine has brought me many valuable lessons in life, and worth keeping as a sweet memory.
The good news is, I can still continue my wish to learn, through reading articles (at least I can do it at my own pace). After all, there are still many other things awaiting me in life, and I should not neglect them as well. ;P
