Safe in a Crazy World …

Second blog for the day. I just want to note down my thoughts for fear that I may not convey them as clearly the next day. I saw an advertisement for post of research assistant in stem cell culture. "Isn’t that my field of interest?" I thought to myself.

To be honest, I had been rather put off by the phenomenon of undergraduates sending hundreds of resumes to potential employers even before they are halfway through their final year projects. I do not believe that they can be interested in so many different jobs, at least not the majority of them. So, it can only be an act of ‘kiasuism’, which is meaningless. And in the field of research, where no passion means you can forget about anything else, it is even more meaningless to blindly apply for a hundred positions just for the sake of raising the probability of securing a job.

When I saw the advertisement, I had mixed feelings. A part of me felt tempted to try out the job, because I like stem cell culture research. I’ve dreamt of being part of a research team in contribution to making possibilities in saving lives, which was the reason for my first job. However, it was also because of my first job that I saw the reality of this task to help the human race. What we hope to do is a nice painted picture, but when it comes to the real thing, we may not be as prepared as we would hope to be. If you are not prepared to devote your time to research, you may become miserable because you have no time for yourself. Up to the point where you feel that you really deserve a rest, you sometimes uncontrollably while away a bit more time enjoying, and feel terrible after that. It is possible to find a balance, but extremely challenging, especially if your job is clinical research, because the samples you’re handling might be those of living patients, and you might just feel that guilt as you’re watching TV, when you should have been reading journals in the night at home. You might have very little or no time for yourself and other things which you want to do, let alone your family. I believe even the most senior scientists get tormented by this dilemma to find a balance between their calling to help save others’ lives, and time for their own lives. There is that much more to what people see or perceive of the phrase "devoting one’s life to research".

After looking at the scope of research for this particular lab, I am again reminded of these factors, even though this is not direct clinical research. But it still boils down to the same principle - whether I want to lead the kind of life which requires most of my time for science alone. It is an all-or-none kinda thing. I feel that people who are by nature more curious about science are more suitable for this job, because although they still feel miserable about missing holidays and working mentally 24/7, their curiosity can still partially compensate for it and keeps them going. For a not-as-curious person like me, the efficiency would be lower. I hate to not give my best, or worse, jeopardize the chances of alleviating others’ sufferings when there could have been a better candidate to do the research, and I also wish to have more time for myself. There is always a price to pay for things you wish to achieve, and I guess I am not prepared to pay the price yet.

For now, I can either look at other non-clinical fields, or explore areas where I can best apply what I have learnt. I do feel sad that a dream I had been having for years turned out to be something quite different, or even impossible, but that is reality. I believe my decision to give all-or-none would be beneficial to mankind, haha … so no regrets!! I must say that this dream of mine has brought me many valuable lessons in life, and worth keeping as a sweet memory.

The good news is, I can still continue my wish to learn, through reading articles (at least I can do it at my own pace). After all, there are still many other things awaiting me in life, and I should not neglect them as well. ;P 

Sneaked off from lab slightly earlier than usual today (escaped from my boss’s clutches hahaha!), but waited an hour at the clinic, sigh … wasted that precious resting time. Anyway, at this point of time, not thinking about my project is already a form of rest for me (yes, it is that bad), not to mention that I had spent the whole of CNY in the lab!!

I have not regretted choosing this project, because it really interests me, and even if I do not succeed in the end, I have learnt quite some things about doing research, and also gained yet another experience in taking things in my stride under the rule of a terrible boss. I think these are more valuable than getting an easy project and having beautiful results, or an excellent class of honours. Not to forget that I have met some really wonderful colleagues who have a similar outlook on life as me, so much so that a simple chat with them lifted my spirits during this gloomy CNY. 

Latest update on my situation with boss: I have already progressed through a series of emotions - > felt stressed by boss > angry with boss > avoided boss like plague > felt like killing boss > felt numb > and finally enlightenment, haha. I still get rather irritated by him though. I have evaluated and re-evaluated the situation such that I think I now know what he is like - unreasonable, unrealistic, impatient, demanding control freak. Just imagine that you need one year to get experimental results substantial enough to report, yet he would ask you every single day, on your progress, and worse still, jeopardize your research by making funny changes to your plans. There is a good side to him, but a pity these good traits are not applicable when it comes to his working style.

The best way to deal with him is, sadly, to avoid any eye contact or conversation with him. This is because he always gives ideas for your project, yet they are not suggestions, because you don’t really have a choice as to whether you want to agree with him - you HAVE to do what he says. His ideas change faster than the weather, and so far none of them worked, at least for my project. If I have to think of 101 reasons to counter his every idea, wouldn’t it be better to put that time and energy into doing my work instead? After chatting with my colleagues, I found out that I wasn’t the only one facing this problem. Apparently, they too do not agree with most of his unrealistic ideas, so they have to try their best to argue it out with him, and given his "I am always right" attitude, and unrealistic expectations, I wonder if any communication is even possible.

Anyway, I am juggling two projects now, because he didn’t want to let me write on the troubleshooting for my original project, for which I gave my blood and sweat. Anyway, I guess I can’t really write much constructive stuff about it either, because I had been doing things contrary to my opinion, but what he felt was right (and turned out to be wrong). The new project is much simpler, and I told him after CNY that I would focus on that, now that I do not have much time left towards the thesis deadline. I would still continue on my original project, just out of interest, and also not to waste the animal cells. Just when I thought that I could finally concentrate more on one project, he had to come tell me funny things again today. I had donated some of the cells to a colleague who wanted to research on their growth, out of curiosity. And boss actually said, " You should keep asking him (my colleague),"how are your results?", because if he succeeds, that would go to your thesis." I wasn’t shocked by his mentality, but extremely annoyed with him. As usual, I just said "yes" to everything he suggested, so that he would get out of my sight, and when he finally left (i.e., after turning back thrice, with more things to add), I just rolled my eyes. I am convinced that he is desperate for results. If not, then he is too free and doesn’t know what to do with the time he has.

Ok, enough for now. I should not keep dwelling on negative thoughts. Counting down to April!!