Safe in a Crazy World …

This is yet another blog that would bore people to death, haha. (Anyway it doesn’t bother me cos I only write for my own pleasure!) Hmm, I should have been doing my schoolwork, and instead I am here writing all these stuff. Well, because it’s another one of my very personal moments I would hope to capture somewhere.

Recently, a few of my friends are head over heels in love with the Korean drama "My Lovely Samsoon". It’s no wonder because I experienced the same thing only slightly earlier than them when I caught the drama on cable TV. One of the symptoms of ‘addiction’ was relentless searching for the soundtracks (at least that is the craziest thing I do for dramas that I love). Just today, I had borrowed auntie selva’s thumbdrive to copy over soundtracks that I didn’t manage to find earlier. As I listened to the tracks, some memories of the drama were recollected (I don’t know why, but this sentence sounds like a report to me), and coincidentally, I chanced upon the drama on TV and ended up watching the entire episode for an hour. After that, I was in this nostalgic mood as I listened to one of the soundtracks which was a piano rendition of "Inside My Heart". And to make things worse, I suddenly had the urge to play the piano.

I used to have one in the house, but it was later given to my sister who is not staying with me now. I had thought, since I play it only once in a blue moon (usually under scenarios like the one I’m facing now), I might as well help to clear some space in the house and fulfil my sister’s wish. Before the piano was moved away, it would just be a few steps away in my brother’s room whenever I had the urge to play. Now that I feel like playing, it is nowhere in sight. Thoughts of investing in a digital piano often came to my mind few years back because I tried playing on one and I loved the sound coming from this compact instrument. I guess it was also the design which i fell in love with, and the fact that it sounded much like a real piano. However, as years passed, I realized that what I actually want is still a classical piano - the authentic stuff. The crystal clear sounds which cannot hide technical flaws, haha. I would always admire the grand pianos in music showrooms, especially the ones at P.S. where you can enter a glass ‘room’ filled with pianos to play. I never dared to play in that paradise, except for once when my friend went in and played the piano with me. It feels so weird with people staring from outside.

At the same time, I often ask myself if I am worthy of such an instrument of value, because I had always been a very lazy piano student, and all I liked was just to play the music I preferred, at my own pleasure. Sometimes I really feel very ashamed of myself for letting my teachers down, especially my very first teacher, who always made sure we got good grades through her discipline. She was like a mother to me. After I progressed to higher grade learning from teachers whom she recommended, my grades dropped because I was only holding on for the sake of not wasting course fees. I had grown tired of it all and it became quite meaningless then. Few years after I stopped my lessons, I played pop music in school clubs for enjoyment. It was then that I realized how good it would be if I had made the effort to master classical techniques and be able to use them on contemporary music. I really wish to do justice to myself, and to my teachers, although it is slightly late. With increasing commitments in life, practising becomes even more difficult. It would cause a din to practise at night, and my family would probably think that I am out of my mind because it is unlike of me to be so enthusiastic in practising. I hate to practise to meet deadlines, but I like to do it at my own pace. I don’t think that I have much interest in classical music, although I do like a few composers. I don’t know if I would be able to regain my techniques and master those which I didn’t manage to master. But in order not to waste the piano for a house of my own in future, I guess I should start to be hardworking. Everything seems to be accomplishable whenever I think of having my own house. It’s probably because I can do whatever I want at my own pace, and I feel more free to do so. Even if I were to cause a din every night, nobody else would get affected.   

I feel very happy whenever I think of my future house, and the plans I have for it. It is the place where I shall accomplish my dreams. =) Why couldn’t I just make do with a more restricted environment then? I don’t know, but that is just me. Yes, I AM PICKY. Even the furniture in my room can affect my mood for studying. It’s definitely not a good thing. If I had understood myself better when I was younger, would things have turned out differently? I think so. I would probably have beared with my environment, if I had known that years down the road, I would wish that I had practised my piano more, done this and that etc.

I guess this is life (this is such a good excuse to use when you regret on something). Let me just look forward to graduation, when I can start a new phase in life - the financially independent phase!! I want to learn so many things, but all eventually boil down to money. Many people out there are like me. You don’t understand the need for something when you don’t have to pay for it. By the time you understand it, it would be time you have to pay for it yourself.   

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