Ohayo … it’s a gloomy Sun morning with an impending disaster - computer database research and report to hand up tomorrow. This is my first blog entry and it certainly isn’t something good, cos I have a weird habit of penning stuff only when I’m feeling unhappy, haha. Dun say I never warned u, I am quite lor sor, and so I like to make long sentences.
To start with, I feel that part of me has changed over the yrs. In a way, this change is beneficial to me - it is a protective advantage, but at the same time, it has changed the way I perceive pple and somehow made me a little more cynical. I should say that I was quite happy about it until recently, when I began to realize that, in exchange for this trait, my sense of positivity in life has greatly diminished, or rather, completely disappeared. And it was this positivity which gave me all the motivation and direction in my life before this. I could always see the nice side to everyone and everything. Not that I was blind to all the nasty things pple did, but somehow I had this default mechanism to be happy with everyone everyday, and yet be firm to do what has to be done when necessary. One of the happiest moments in my life was when I decided to pursue my studies in 2003 - I was at the peak of positivity and motivation (hopefully it isn’t the first & last one). But "Omg …", I now ask myself, "was that really me, in the yrs before 2004?!!". Bcos I dun see that in myself anymore.
Now, together with the typical ‘what I want to do when I graduate’ problem, I seem to be drained of energy & motivation. For everything I do, I seem to experience some uncertainty. I wish I have more time to think deeply about these things, but it simply isn’t possible with all the damn reports to do, and how I spend the coming 1-week holiday is the deciding factor of how I would fare on Doom’s Day, hence I cannot doodle this one week away with all the thinking.
The sad thing though, was that I had been called ’slack’ and ‘lazy’ umpteen times by pple who r v close to me (if u r readin this now, u should know why I lost my temper when u called me slack - I wasn’t finding excuses ok) and whom now I feel, dun really understand me. Or they probably never thought that being slack could be a form of escaping from uncertainty and loss of direction in life.
It is v impt to me that my closed ones can sense when I am unhappy. A simple question like "R u ok?" or "What is troubling u?" can do miracles for the troubled soul bcos it makes one feel that someone understands them. Alas, alot of pple neglect the fact that talking about one’s problem can alleviate stress and cheer the spirit (in fact a solution is not as impt as letting out the stress) so they often say "solve the problem instead of talking abt it".
I sometimes think tat I might have been a messenger from heaven (sorry I think v highly of myself) sent to help pple with their problems, and in turn pple r not supposed to, and would never be able to know too much about me. In reality, I often help pple around me with advice and some ‘customized healing power’, which I do with great pride as I see the smile back on their faces after my ‘counselling sessions’. I guess I always seek to understand pple, although they may not always seek to understand me. Over the yrs, this has sort of made me more emotionally independent, though not totally.
Recently I often got misunderstood as trying to pick on mu when I was actually hinting to him that I needed concern in a particular situation. Strangely, the communication between us often made him think that someone had pissed me off and I had turned to vent my anger on him. It was like being given the death sentence when I had not committed any crime. I have decided that it is too tiring to explain and still get misunderstood, so I shall seek some peace and quiet by myself. Finally, it doesn’t help that one of my closed ones has fallen ill, someone who grew up with me. I had the mindset that she would most probably recover, only to realize now that she may be leaving us in a matter of weeks. Life is so fragile tat it makes me even more upset over helpless situations. I’d probably cry if I talk about this, so writing them down is the best way. Throughout these yrs, I am grateful to have my gal frens cos they can empathize with what I’m have been gg thru. Thank you for everything, gals.
Anyway, I have to get on with life lah. I’d probably be in grey mode for the time being cos I feel mentally tired (so pls forgive me if u see me stoned or distracted). But I will eventually pick myself up … ganbate kudasai.
